How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
You Might Also Like
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*