How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.