How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
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To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.