How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
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Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
learning about math 🧐 📝
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
Wednesday
