Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

I thought this was funny lol

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.