How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
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When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Sticker placement is key.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat