Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.