How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
You Might Also Like
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.