Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.