Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence