Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

beware of dog

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening