Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

Got a light

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary