“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
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NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.