How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
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If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”