How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
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Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave