@5exyunchained

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

- @5exyunchained

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@scorpicpanda

Actually, letting your dog run around the yard while wearing your Fitbit increases the numbers waaaaay better than putting it on your cat.

@truegritrumble

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

@SassyPantssss

I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

@iDontWannaBeYhu

Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It’s impossible to be sad on a jet ski.

@vonTraphaus

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

@knot_eye

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

@longwall26

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

@SirEviscerate

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail