How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
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Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.