Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.