How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
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Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.