Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.