How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
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When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
BETRAYAL
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.