“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
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No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit