How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
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passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.