Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

Human are so complicated

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

You had me at “define legal”.

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers