Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

What number SPF blocks people?

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.