How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
You Might Also Like
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]