Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

Note to self: I am a note

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”