Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice