Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

thinking about a very short hotdog

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN