Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

I am thick and tired. 🙄

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!