How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?
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Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
This is always good for a laugh.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day