How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day