How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I’m not wrong
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.