Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

Cndnsd Mlk

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.