How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
then why did i get this email
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Bring back the McRib
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
they finally got him. they got macavity
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free