How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive![]()
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?