How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Hmm 🧐
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*