How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
#SCOTUS one-star review
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
*bites zombie*
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.