How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
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I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
you will never know the true number of layers
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face