How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
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Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
😭😭
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*