How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
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Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.