How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
You Might Also Like
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
The human personality is made of five key elements
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.