How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
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*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Meow
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.