How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
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“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.