Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

Doctors texting each other.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

R.I.P.

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

cats when you pet them too long:

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.