How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
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I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors