Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

A completely valid reaction tbh

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

This probably isn’t good

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd