How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
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A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.