How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
So Hamburger help me, God
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
never forget
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.