How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

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Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought


It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.


[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08


I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.


The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.


*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation


“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”


I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.


If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??