How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony