How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
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” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
💻🤡
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do