How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.