How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
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Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
based
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?