How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
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Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
dam girl
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
*lint rolls you awake*
That’s enough internet for the day
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins