How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.