Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep