Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.