How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
You Might Also Like
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.