Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

Sniffing the broccoli

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs