Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 years later

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”