How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
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pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink