How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

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[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong


Son: What does “nihilism” mean?
Me: “Everything is meaningless.”
Son: Wow ok nice attitude. Do you know what it means or not?


Fun Prank:
1.) Buy 35 coats
2.) Goto the movie theatre
3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row
4.) Relax


Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??


Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more

Me: ok…

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats

Me: What?

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up

Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!


Whenever you’re mad at someone, just take a deep breath and count to 10. Those 10 seconds will give you time to think of the perfect insult.


I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.