me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
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Son: What does “nihilism” mean?
Me: “Everything is meaningless.”
Son: Wow ok nice attitude. Do you know what it means or not?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
1.) Buy 35 coats
2.) Goto the movie theatre
3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[email protected] My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up
Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!
Whenever you’re mad at someone, just take a deep breath and count to 10. Those 10 seconds will give you time to think of the perfect insult.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.