Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.