How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
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Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
This joke is 7 years old
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
placebo pills? more like sike meds
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.