“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
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I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope