Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”