How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
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Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
knights of the ikea table
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
#milo
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.