How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
You Might Also Like
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Simple enough.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok