Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

yes, those are my real potatoes.

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

☠️ ☠️

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.