Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.