Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.