How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
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[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I missed you with all my darts
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.