Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

If only.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.