How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
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her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
Saturday
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
is this store having a stroke wtf
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)